Normally when I run, I am on a treadmill at 6am with very few people around at the gym, only the hard core gym rats are disciplined enough to get there that early and they are to focused on their task at hand to bother paying any attention to the sweaty beast of a man huffing and puffing in the far back corner. I really go out of my way to avoid as much public humiliation due to my running as possible. If the gym is particularly busy or I was a little late getting up, I may decide against the treadmill for a more "hefty-man" appropriate machine such as an elliptical or a bike. This avoidance happens unconsciously, it just happens.
I travel to conferences frequently. Every single time I pack my gym gear and my running shoes with grandiose ideas of getting up early and going for a nice jog before the days events. Not once have I actually put those shoes on. Every single time I shy away from my attempt to keep my exercise routine going and often times this spirals into me not eating so great either for a few days. When I return home I often find that the several days away from exercise has made it exponentially harder to find the motivation to get back into my routine.
Dr. Jacques post got me thinking about why this always happens to me. I am terribly self-conscious about my running. Ever person I pass on the street I imagine is judging me, the people in the gym are making fun of me, looking at me disgusted as I create a private lake of sweat. I breath heavily, I feel like my thunderous strides shake the gym foundation and throws off the rhythm of all the fit gym rats. My form is hideous, my waist flops from side to side. God forbid I get out of sync and my foot stride becomes out of cue with the sway of my stomach, that never ends well, usually resulting in a misstep or me stepping half on the tread half off causing that extremely loud squeaking noise that draws even more unwanted attention.
At conferences I am surrounded by hundreds of people in the health and obesity research field. At these conferences they seem to be the fittest and healthiest people on the planet. Fitness and health gurus......and then there is me. In this situation I feel like all my self-esteem issues are amplified 10 fold. I would be mortified if one of my colleagues happen to see me perform my slow motion disaster of a run. In speaking and presenting I confidently see myself as an equal of the people but for some reason if they were to see me running, I feel like they would judge and make fun and I would lose my equality.
I know I am being ridiculous, no one at the gym has ever made fun or even looked at me funny. Quite honestly I don't think anyone really gives a hoot if I run. I have never once heard a negative comment or received a funny look. My research colleagues, while they are incredibly fit and truly brilliant in the fitness world, all seem very supportive and pleasant. I can't imagine any of them having a negative thing to say about me, they are all far more mature and respectful than that.
What it comes down to is ME. I have to address my silly insecurities. I have to stop making excuses, stop pretending that the public are a bunch of cruel and insensitive people because they are not. This fear is all in my head. In fact the majority of my experiences have shown that the opposite is true, people are generally very supportive and pleasant when it comes to fitness. There is nothing to fear, there is no reason to be self conscious about how I look when I run, and there is no reason to abandon my running routines for silly insecurities.
Get out there and run, no matter how fast or how far, one less excuse for me from now on.
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