Fat Dad Running

Yesterday I discovered a new blog to add to my favorite list.  http://www.notborntorun.com/ is a wonderful blog by Dr. Jacqueline Jacques and yesterday I came across her blog post that touched on some self esteem issues that can be a barrier to running.  She got me thinking especially about my personal attitudes towards running and most importantly running in public. 

Normally when I run, I am on a treadmill at 6am with very few people around at the gym, only the hard core gym rats are disciplined enough to get there that early and they are to focused on their task at hand to bother paying any attention to the sweaty beast of a man huffing and puffing in the far back corner.  I really go out of my way to avoid as much public humiliation due to my running as possible.  If the gym is particularly busy or I was a little late getting up, I may decide against the treadmill for a more "hefty-man" appropriate machine such as an elliptical or a bike.  This avoidance happens unconsciously, it just happens. 

I travel to conferences frequently.  Every single time I pack my gym gear and my running shoes with grandiose ideas of getting up early and going for a nice jog before the days events.  Not once have I actually put those shoes on.  Every single time I shy away from my attempt to keep my exercise routine going and often times this spirals into me not eating so great either for a few days.  When I return home I often find that the several days away from exercise has made it exponentially harder to find the motivation to get back into my routine. 

Dr. Jacques post got me thinking about why this always happens to me.  I am terribly self-conscious about my running.  Ever person I pass on the street I imagine is judging me, the people in the gym are making fun of me, looking at me disgusted as I create a private lake of sweat.  I breath heavily, I feel like my thunderous strides shake the gym foundation and throws off the rhythm of all the fit gym rats.  My form is hideous, my waist flops from side to side.  God forbid I get out of sync and my foot stride becomes out of cue with the sway of my stomach, that never ends well, usually resulting in a misstep or me stepping half on the tread half off causing that extremely loud squeaking noise that draws even more unwanted attention. 

At conferences I am surrounded by hundreds of people in the health and obesity research field.  At these conferences they seem to be the fittest and healthiest people on the planet.  Fitness and health gurus......and then there is me.  In this situation I feel like all my self-esteem issues are amplified 10 fold.  I would be mortified if one of my colleagues happen to see me perform my slow motion disaster of a run.  In speaking and presenting I confidently see myself as an equal of the people but for some reason if they were to see me running, I feel like they would judge and make fun and I would lose my equality.

I know I am being ridiculous, no one at the gym has ever made fun or even looked at me funny.  Quite honestly I don't think anyone really gives a hoot if I run.  I have never once heard a negative comment or received a funny look.  My research colleagues, while they are incredibly fit and truly brilliant in the fitness world, all seem very supportive and pleasant.  I can't imagine any of them having a negative thing to say about me, they are all far more mature and respectful than that. 

What it comes down to is ME.  I have to address my silly insecurities.  I have to stop making excuses, stop pretending that the public are a bunch of cruel and insensitive people because they are not.  This fear is all in my head.  In fact the majority of my experiences have shown that the opposite is true, people are generally very supportive and pleasant when it comes to fitness.  There is nothing to fear, there is no reason to be self conscious about how I look when I run, and there is no reason to abandon my running routines for silly insecurities. 

Get out there and run, no matter how fast or how far, one less excuse for me from now on. 

Joys of Fatherhood

I was very excited to become a father.  While my wife was pregnant, and the reality of having a 'mini me' was getting closer, I would imagine all of the things I would get to experience. From a Canadian boy, my first thoughts were of his first time on skates, going to the hockey rink at 6am for practice and of course celebrating his Stanley Cup championship he will one day win.

I also got really excited about taking him places, the family cottage is a very special place to me, I get great pride sharing the magic to the few select individuals who are lucky enough, now I get to take my boy there, and it will become more magical.  I'm excited to show him the mountains, go camping and fishing, show him the amazing wilderness that is just a short drive away from us.

I'm excited to help him with his homework, have him amaze me with how smart he is.  I can picture myself working on a school project with him and I can feel the pride as I see the wheels turn in his head and the lesson clicks.

I am sure all of you parents, if you go back to your first and relive the excitement you will know what I am talking about.  I was so excited for all of the big things.  Before he was born I had my boy as a 2 sport Olympian, NHL superstar, and a Rhodes Scholar.

What this past year has taught me is that before we get to those big things, there is so many little things that are just as important and produce just as much pride and happiness.  His first smile stole my heart, his first giggle was breath taking and when he laughs everyday now, he melts my heart and makes the world a better place.  When he started walking around 9 months I was so proud, now he is running around the house non-stop and I thank my lucky stars that I can keep up with him.

My favorite thing is watching him learn new things, he is a thinker, when given something new he carefully inspects it.  You can see in his eyes the brain power working and then he gets it!  He has learned some sign language, he can tell us "all done" when he is finished eating, he can tell us he wants "more" and we are working on "water".  If you ask him where 'bomber' (our dog) is he will point and wave at him, he knows what lights are, where his feet are, and where his shoes and socks go.  All of these things have truly amazed me.   

Yesterday I picked my boy up from daycare, and as I walked in the door his face lit up with a smile he pointed and waved and then he did it, he said "Hi Dada". 

Hi Dada.  Two very simple words changed my life. 

In the last year I have been reminded on a daily basis, how cool it is to be a dad.  I have experienced happiness from the simplest things.  What better reason to ensure that I am around for a long time to enjoy as much of this happiness as possible. 
 

A day in the life of Fat Dad

A big part of my problem with my weight, was that for years I hid my eating habits so well.  My parents had no idea, my wife was generally clueless and none of my friends and co-workers realised how bad I truly was when it came to eating.  I was so good at hiding it that I even fooled myself.  I really had no clue as to how much of a problem I really had.  Even as I drove home from work, throwing down a McDonald's meal in the car, I didn't even think it was that bad, even when I would walk into the house and sit right down to dinner with the family without skipping a beat. 

As I have been logging my foods for a while now, I have become more and more aware of how quickly things can add up and how quickly that energy balance can be tipped the wrong way.  The last few days I have started to think about how I used to eat, and I thought it would be an eye opener for me to see the numbers pop up after I logged a typical Fat Dad day into the computer. 

My day would often start with me running out the door without anything to eat for breakfast.  If I did it was generally just snacking on leftovers from the night before, cold pizza, any cookies or baked goods we had lying around and I would even check the freezer to see if we had ice creme to take a few big spoons of.  I could easily throw down a few hundred calories here without even thinking that they counted (I mean it wasn't a meal, I was just snacking).  On this day lets assume that I did not eat anything and left the house without the snacking calories.  I would almost everyday stop at Tim Horton's for a coffee, gotta have my coffee.  However most people know that stopping for coffee is just silly, your not going to go to a restaurant to spend just $1.60, that's ridiculous, you have to buy something with your coffee.  So my morning "go to" was a XL double double (2 cream 2 sugar), an everything bagel toasted with herb and garlic cream cheese and a strawberry vanilla doughnut.  So that is around 1000 calories and 900 mg of sodium and I am barely awake yet.

On to lunch.  If I was working, I would almost always buy something for lunch.  The guys on the job site were always picking stuff up on their way making deliveries so we had standing lunch orders.  The most common was pizza just because it was so easy.  All the guys on the crew would toss in $5 and we would all get Little Caesars hot-n-ready medium pizzas.  I often times ate an entire pizza to myself.  If I was at school I would get something on campus like Chinese or burgers.  Not much better than the pizza.  1840 calories and another 3400 mg of sodium and I'm good to go for the next few hours. 

I would usually bring stuff to snack on so generally I had a few cheese strings and a few granola bars (roughly 600 calories)

On my way home from work or school I had this terrible habit of stopping for some fast food.  It wasn't that I was hungry, or that dinner was going to be so far away, I just had this uncontrollable urge to have something on my way home.  The go to was a McDonald's double cheeseburger combo......and another 800ish calories.

Once I got home it was dinner time with the wife.  we would typically have something that included a meat, a starch and a veggie.  for this demonstration I picked a pork roast, mashed potatoes and green beans, for no particular reason, it was just one of many common dinners in the house.  A reasonable 580 calories. 

Now we get into the night.  We have Tea every night.  And with tea we often snack on something.  I would make cookies, or brownies, or have ice creme but on this night me and my wife got potato chips, and if left with them for any length of time a full size bag of chips would vanish.  for argument sake this night I left a few in the bag so as not to feel the guilt of consuming an entire bag.  Another 2000 calories seems like a nice nightcap. 

So for all you score keepers out there this is the break down of my totally normal day
Calories = 6873
Carbs = 786g
Fat = 309g
Protein = 230g
Sodium = 9750mg

I was putting away nearly 7000 calories a day and a whooping 9750mg of sodium.  This was the most sickening eye opener ever. 

I have changed my ways, this is no longer a reality, but I challenge all of you, as you become more aware, take a look back.  Take an honest look back at your prior self and really look at your own issues.  How bad was it? where can you fix it? and what do you need to do to make sure you don't go back?

Why I will never win my battle with obesity

Sometimes it is a bit daunting, thinking about my weight issues and the battle I now wage on my personal health. Think about the hundreds of thousands of miles I will have to run and cycle, the thousands of hours I will put in the gym to reach my goals. Think about the constant calorie counting and logging, paying attention to what goes in my mouth.  Think about all of the temptations passed by and the many hours of food prep that I will put in on this journey.  What I want out of life and what I want for my health is a full time occupation. 

I happened across Lance Armstrong's profile on his twitter account where he claims to be a full-time cancer fighter.  That got me thinking more about all I have heard from cancer patients.  I often hear them saying that they did not beat cancer, rather they survived it, the battle continues.  That distinction is important.  Cancer cannot be beat, it will always be part of your life once you have it and the battle will last the rest of your days, some do better than others, some get luckier than others, and some are blessed enough to ward off this terrible disease for a long long time. 

There are similarities to this and obesity.  Now I am not comparing my obesity with cancer, what I am doing is comparing the long battles associated with both.  If I am lucky enough to lose a wack load of weight, get down to around 200 lbs, finally be the fit guy I see in my head, I will not be done.  I will never be done.  My struggle with weight will follow me to my grave, it will always be there. 

I will not beat my obesity, to beat something implies that the challenge is over.  I can definitely gain an advantage, and I certainly plan on doing so, I feel I have made great strides in this direction.  However, the addiction to fast food, the appeal and convenience of junk food, the constant food celebrations, the peer pressure, the stresses of life, injuries, illness, family issues will always be there to lean me back in the direction of the life I used to live.  There will always be a fast food place minutes from my house, I will likely pass 10 of them on my way to work every morning and again on my way back.  I will always have the things that tempt me at arms reach. 

Once I get to my desired weight and health goals, the real battle begins.  I think this was an important realization that I have come to recently.  I always thought I could do something drastic to achieve my desired goals then float on in life once there.  Oh how I was wrong.  My new approach, and a large reason to why I am doing so well on this journey is that my changes in diet and exercise are things that I enjoy and I can do for the rest of my life.  I actually ask myself before I make a change, "can you do this forever?" It has done wonders for me. 

I encourage all of you to do 2 things in your own weight loss journey
1. stop focusing on the scale, worry about the lifestyle choices (nutrition and exercise) first.  if you are eating well and moving as much as you can, you will reap the health benefits regardless of your weight.  Be sure to notice the non-scale victories, health improvements, fitness goals, change in clothing size, all more important than weight. 
2. Be realistic and understand that if you really want to succeed at this, you will be at it forever.  Make sure you know going in that this is truly a lifelong journey, and make sure that any change you make in your lifestyle is something you enjoy and can maintain forever. 

I am a full-time student, a full time daddy, and now I can add full-time obesity fighter to my resume.

How it all came to be.

The other day I was asked how I met my wife.  As I went through the details I remembered what a great story it is and decided to share with you how I cam to be happily married with a wonderful son. 

I am a lover, I was always the nice guy and in all of my relationships I was looking forward seeing the possibilities long term.  This got me burned a few times.  In my second year of undergrad a very good friend of mine introduced me to a girl that she thought would be perfect for me.  As it turned out we hit it off quite well, we were together for almost 2 years.  I was thinking it couldn't get better than this, I had even imagined proposing to her down the road. 

At the moment I thought I had it all I got burned again, and my life went into shambles.  It felt like I was a guest on the Jerry Springer show.  My girlfriend cheated on me with the very same friend who set me up with her in the first place.  She decided she wanted to experiment with a girl while she was young and in school.  I was ruined.

This was the last straw.  I had been the good guy and gotten burned too many times, something changed inside of me.  I became the guy I didn't want to be.  I was going out to bars and randomly picking up women, not calling them back.  I dated a girl for a short while, knowing full well we had no chance of a future, led her on and then ditched her with no explanation. 

That summer I returned home from university, my best friend had gotten into boxing and kickboxing and I decided to try it out with him.  I went for a few weeks, hitting the heavy bag, doing drills and pad work with the coach.  I thought I was getting quite good, and the coach thought I needed to be taught a lesson (that I wasn't really any good at all).  It was time for my first sparing session.  I was going to get in the ring for 3 rounds with another boxer and trade some punches. 

I put on my head gear and started to warm up in the ring when in walked this girl, I didn't know her but my buddy did and said she had been training with the coach for quite some time.  She jumped into the ring and for 3 rounds put on a clinic.  This little woman who I dwarfed in size hit me a million times before I could even realize I was in a fight.  She threw at least 20 punches for every one that I managed to get off.  I think I hit her a few times but it didn't even faze her, I was abused.  She hit me in the face and kidneys with pinpoint accuracy.   for most of the fight I covered up, attempting to block her punches with my arms, the one time she got in close she started unloading a flurry of body shots and combinations, in frustration I tried to push her off of me and in the process of doing so, tossed her tumbling through the ropes on the other side of the ring.  She got up shook it off and continued with my assault. 

I went home with a broken spirit, I am an accomplished male athlete, and I was just dominated by a little woman. That weekend it was the coaches birthday party so we hit the bar, my boxing buddy was a bouncer so he was working the door, I showed up by myself.  I went in and met up with the other boxers and had a few drinks, then in walks in this pretty little woman, I almost didn't recognize her, she was the suspect in my brutal assault that I was contemplating reporting to the police.  Boy did she clean up well.  I decided to forgive her and not press charges on the condition that she give me her number.  to my complete surprise she did. 

The next day we spent texting (it was my first time texting so I was so slow with they typing).  On the Monday my buddy and I were going to go see a movie, but we had some time to kill as it was a late one.  I walked into his apartment and he asked me what we could do and I casually mentioned that Lindsay had a baseball game, he paused for a second, nodded and grabbed his coat, he didn't say anything but he knew I had to go see about a girl. 

In the aftermath of my last girlfriend, I was troubled, I didn't want to be tied down, I didn't want to have a girlfriend and be attached, but here I was, getting all giddy about a girl again.  She was different than anyone I had dated in the past, and as much as I resisted in the beginning, I couldn't help but fall in love with her.  she moved in with me when I got into my PhD program, we got engaged soon after, we got married and we have a beautiful baby boy.  She saved me from becoming a man that I was turning into that deep down was not who I wanted to be.  She showed me that while you can get hurt over and over, eventually you find the right fit, and now on our healthy journey together, she has shown me that together we are much stronger than we are alone. 

I met my wife when she punched me in the face......I dare you to top that one. 

How the time flies

Do you know where you were exactly one year ago today? I do.      At this exact moment one year ago today I was sitting in the hallway outside an operating room of a hospital.  A lonely chair crammed in between racks of hospital scrubs and supplies.  I sat there for what seemed like an eternity, my heart was racing.  As hospital staff walked by they all smirked at me as they rushed on their way.  I still don't know if their smirk was because they knew it was my first and I looked as lost as a puppy, or if it was the comical appearance of a hefty 335lb man attempting to wear blue hospital scrubs clearly designed by a 113lb individual with no sense of awareness that there are larger people in this world too.  I had so many thoughts running through my head.  mainly concern for my wife getting prepped for the c-section in the OR.  Her pregnancy was amazing, we spent the whole 9 months reading and searching the Internet for the best answers on how to be good parents, what to do and what not to do, what is the best way to have the baby.  My wife was dead set on her birth plan that she developed with our midwifes.  NO DRUGS, we had other pain management methods.  And yet here I was standing in the hall waiting for her to be sedated for a surgery. Our baby boy was breach and there was no chance of turning him, our doctor was not comfortable with attempting a natural birth with him because he was thought to be quite large.

 

I guess if Declan's birth taught us anything, it was that no matter how much you read, no matter how much you plan, when it comes to your kids, your gonna be surprised and simply put, your plans mean f*** all. 

When the nurse motioned me into the room, there was a chair beside my wife's head for me to sit.  I saw she was nervous and I tried to lighten the mood with a few jokes and smart ass comments.  there was a curtain blocking her lower half so I could not see the surgery.  I was in the room no more than a minute or so and I noticed the surgeon pulling and tugging.  I snapped over to my midwife and asked if they had started already (I thought they would have given us notice, "OK here we go" or something like that).  The midwife answered that it was almost done and our boy was almost out. 

It was at that moment that I looked up towards the curtain to catch a glimpse of a tiny blue foot peak over the barrier as they tried to tug him out.  My heart jumped into my throat, I almost cried.  Soon after the nurses were rushing away with him to clean him up and check him over.  That cry will ring happily in my head forever.

A year ago today, my wife and I were blessed with our first son, Declan.  It has been a most rewarding year, and that boy is the reason for my existence.  His smile and giggle warm my heart everyday. 

A year ago today I was 335lbs, I would start my journey in January to get healthier sparked by my son's birth.  I then hit a summertime stalemate only to pick up again on my journey not long ago.  Here I am today at 310 lbs.  Nothing amazing, nothing to call home about, but I am making steady progress.  My life today is happier, fuller, more active and much healthier than a year ago.  

In a one of my first blog posts I mad a vow to my son, a vow that he will not remember me as this bloated swollen version of me, I vowed that I will be a healthy active role model who will play with him till he wears out not me. Here on his first birthday I renew this vow.  I do not want Declan to ever know his Fat Dad, I do not want any memories of me he has to be of my fat self.  I want him to remember me as the very healthy, very active, and incredibly cool super-dad.  I am more motivated than ever, and moving in the right direction, this time has already been more successful than any other weight loss attempt.  This time is something maintainable, this is a lifestyle that I am happy with and look forward to everyday.  This time is different. 

Cutting Weight

There is an extreme cult of athletes who do some incredible things to their bodies in order to compete and gain an advantage.  I was one. 

As a wrestler in university, it is common place for the athletes to "cut weight" before a weigh in.  The way it works here in Canada is you weigh in around 5pm the day before the competition and the tournament usually starts around 9am the next day.  So what has happened is this science has developed where people cut weight in order to weigh in for a lower category and then come tournament time they have gained the weight back and are much bigger than the weight limit, all in the name of gaining an advantage, or I should say to avoid a disadvantage because everyone does it so you kind of have to to be competitive.

Not many people realize what we do, or the drastic changes in weight but to put things into perspective My weight category was 120 kg or 264 lbs, it was not uncommon for my everyday weight to be in around 290 lbs.  I would normally work it our so that come the week of the tournament I would be no more than 15-20lbs overweight and cut that down during the week.  

I regularly cut 20lbs and more.  on a weekly basis. 

If I had to weigh in on Friday for my tournament on Saturday, it was common for me to be 15-20 lbs overweight on Monday.  I would restrict my calories for the rest of the week gradually cutting back to the point of not eating much at all on Thursday and definitely not eating on Friday until the 5pm weigh in.  The majority of weight loss during a "cut" is from water weight.  So I would also dehydrate myself.  Gradually cutting back water intake so that Thursday I would only be consuming what was absolutely necessary and I would have no water Friday until the weigh in. 

To lose all the water weight you need to sweat, so I would do several things to accomplish this.  First we wrap ourselves in sauna suits, garbage bags, and as many layers as you can fit on to jack up the core temperature, and then you run, bike, do anything that gets you sweating. 

My personal favorite was using the sauna.  your body sweats in order to regulate temperature, as the sweat evaporates off the skin it takes heat from your body thus cooling you down.  if you remove the sweat before it can do its job, your body must make more sweat.  So I would go and sit in a sauna.  As I started to sweat I would peel the sweat off my body using a credit card.  I could easily lose 3-5 lbs this way in 30-40 minutes. 

Looking back on it now it is disturbing.  my weight would fluctuate 20 lbs within a matter of a few days.  come the day of the tournament after I rehydrate and gorged on food, I would be back up to my normal weight.  I think this likely had something to do with my current weight issues.  Mainly surrounding the culture of the weight cut.  After we weigh in we would go out as a team to an all you can eat place and just devour absurd amounts of food and drink.  we did this every few weeks.  My eating habits when I wasn't on a cut was so off the charts because I was normally so restricted that it became a norm.  and when I stopped wrestling, the food habits remained and the activity level did not. 

I am not sure how much damage I did to my body cutting weight all those years, but I am sure it has a hand in my struggle with food and weight.  I thought I would expose that dark cult of weight loss to people who don't even know it goes on.  I am in no way condoning this as a method of weight loss.  It will do no good for the folks trying to lose weight for the sake of health.  I simply wanted to explain part of the reason I am in this situation right now.